Waking up, gender euphoria

I didn’t always know I needed a penis. I had been miseducated by fearmongering myths about what is possible, now. I did my best to put it out of my mind as an impossibility. One of my close friends did have transgender phalloplasty, provided generously by his employer-based insurance, and he offered to show it to me. Those moments changed my life. It was real to me, and all the barriers I had placed in my mind about possibility and impossibility were charged through.

From that point on, my quest became constant, come hell or high water, there was nothing which could stop me– no length I would not take to accomplish it, no risk, no pain, no expense, no trial, no hardship. When I told my spouse I needed it, she nodded silently in understanding. I didn’t say much, but she said, “Then we have to make it happen.” I was blessed with a transgender wife, and she knows how essential surgery is to some of us. She never questioned it or the change it would make for us, or the cost, or the hardships. She heard it immediately as essential.

All that came to mind this morning as the sun poured in my bedroom and across my body, waking and warming me. It’s real. It all really happened. This is me now.

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