One day we won’t call it FTM phalloplasty, but until then nonbinary phalloplasty isn’t going to help people find these trans post-op pictures. I was never female and I’m not male now; I have been able to have gender affirming and confirming surgery to see my gender non-conformity in the flesh.
Dr. Coon healed my disabling dysphoria in allowing me to look down and see myself as my mind knows my body should always have been. Unlike so many binary trans men, but like some of them, I love my front hole. I love to have sex receptively there. I want and need a penis capable of erection like any man who takes penetration still values his dick.
How many men who receive dicks anally wish the ass could be as readily accessible as so many vaginas? I don’t need to douche or do special washing like when I ass bottom. I can’t explain why other people of my kind have vaginal dysphoria to the length of never even being able to say or hear words like pussy, cunt, vagina, and these words make me excited to receive within..
. But for whatever quirk of rare gender development occurred in me, I have to stop apologizing for it. Sometimes it brings aggression to me, in toxic masculine transbro spaces. Resentfully, they ask, Why did *I* get to have an organ as masculine as the one they have or want, when they are in their minds so much more deserving? But– I do not see my cock as masculine. I call her pretty. She, to give it a pronoun, completes me. This gets under their skin and bothers their mental scaffolds of who and what they are.
I think one of the issues I’m up against is that so many trans people in the community who would want phalloplasty or metoidioplasty say they *do not want it* when they actually *cannot access it*. The further away their access, the angrier they are at trans people who can access it. Instead of the rage landing on those organizations in cis society which exclude us from their plans, their indignant pain rocks against the procedures themselves. They say “phalloplasty just isn’t there yet,” and claim it cannot produce a “realistic” dick. Really? What is realistic, anyway? Passy? Even when my body is not passy, it is still *real*.
I chose not to have urethral lengthening, vaginectomy, or tdick (clitoral) transposition (aka burial), but had I done these things my cock would be 100% cis male passing. I mean– it still has been passing, in three intimate contexts. Do you see how high up I have to lift my legs to show my vulva? –if it is a vulva externally anymore at all lacking the labia majora- they’re now the scrotoplasty ball sack. I fantasize often of lifting up my legs like this to receive a lover who can appreciate the way I am built. I want to be seen as a rare treat, an exceptionally rare intimate opportunity. I do not want to look at my body and wonder if it looks real or not real. Those ideas do not compute to me.
I have more feelings about having these procedures than one lifetime will allow me to process. I only know I feel exalted bliss exceeding natural sexual pleasure when I grip my hand around the firm erection within me. Gender euphoria, we call it, but I don’t think one could imagine the multifaceted and sublime ecstasy of seeing your own body respond sexually, when it seems as if some incomprehensible curse previously bewitched my body to look like it belonged and reacted like someone else’s would. Psychologists talk about the disorder of dissociation, the suffering of it, but this is on another level. You would plead with your body not to feel pleasure through being stroked on the breast, when the breast should never have been there; you would beg your vagina not to become wet in arousal, like stranger flesh that could make you naseous as in assault. When your body becomes harmonious like this, it is… Like laying under the warmest sun, and you would just close your eyes and soak in the peace pleasure in yourself.
So far, my favorite positions to make love to my darling are as little spoon, reaching around to me, but this morning early we enjoyed them on top of me in missionary, legs wrapped around, again. So close together. Closer than ever before.
I feel like my beloved and I have a thousand new things ahead of us we have never done before. Such a fine romance it is, to learn each other’s bodies so many ways.