I’ve been having trouble going to sleep on time, because ever since finishing the last stage of phalloplasty, I want time alone with my body. Yeah, some of it is masturbation, but it’s as much for exploration of how my body post-op even works as it is for pleasure.
I just feel this urge to connect with myself now that I have an erectile implant. I want to see where it feels best, to compare. I want to see my body feeling things, to take it all in. Sleep? How could I sleep when my new body is right there within arm’s reach? This was my impossible transgender dream. This was my risk it all. And here it is.
Oddly enough– and there are other reasons– sex has really fallen off with my partner since I finished surgery. I could almost feel an insecure sting at my ego for desirability, if I didn’t know that she is working extra long hours at her job. She collapses tired at the end of the day, and she isn’t much interested in sex. Maybe on the weekend.
I confess I’m a bit sad, having these expectations like it would be a second honeymoon. A few nights it has been. Overall, though, I’m far more excited about all my body can do than she is. My euphoria is 10/10. I get a creeping insecurity she isn’t into dick? Of course, I know that’s not true from her life story and what she has told me about finding my body so desirable.
So… We are coming up on our wedding anniversary. Fantasy-me wishes there’d be some build up to fantastic sex and learning things about my body in context, but… When I baited her with the idea of something sexy for our anniversary, she said I could buy her an appliance. Christ, how did two ultra queer trans people fall into unintentionally stereotypical gender roles? At least as far as this goes.
I’m genuinely enjoying the sexual time alone though. I imagine it will come in time with my partner. Being patient and making the most of it– while still acknowledging the momentary disappointment… I think that’s healthy.
Meanwhile, some photos of my exploration time on my own. Libido 10/10, bedroom life with my spouse 4/10? Just giving it time.