So I was just barely cleared for sex post erectile implant stage of phalloplasty on Jan 23. It’s like two ish weeks later, maybe three. I guess life has been busy, because the mindblowing erection Fantasyland I’d been building up in my mind has been… More a solo thing. Which isn’t bad at all, since I don’t think I’ve ever truly experienced masturbation until now.
At 13 months postop from the original build of my penis by Dr. Coon, I have tactile sensation, both light touch and higher pressure. I feel cold acutely, when my penis touches the edge of the bathtub or the toilet seat. I feel pain if my penis is bent funny in my pants. I feel erogenous sensation in that when I touch just my penis, even that alone, I start to get that aroused lump in my throat, the head in my neck and my ears, a keen focus on my sensation, the urge to continue it, and a building tension– I know the erotic is subjective, but these physical signs to me combined confirm erogenous over simple tactile sensation. Occasionally touch lands in the wrong spot, meaning I feel it in a place different from where I touched, but this has diminished over time. Now and again when I touch my penis I feel nerve sparklers in my natal erectile tissue (cl**/dick), which is not buried within my new penis. I really feel.
It’s wild to discover masturbation without gender dysphoria; all kinds of pressed down feelings had previously made masturbation function as more of a utilitarian pleasure. More than I ever realized before the weight was lifted, it required dissociation to get the job done. I would best describe it as confusion. I would have a concept of myself and what my body should be able to do, but then I would feel such an incongruence with how my body appeared and functioned that I had to focus on anything else at all to feel good sexually. You carry that lifetime of pain, you never experience it lifting or hope of it changing, and then one day it really is gone?
I feel like I’m on a honeymoon with myself. In some ways it’s bewildering to reach down and touch my once forbidden dreams. I had forbade myself even from the thought of phalloplasty, because it was too impossible. I had to protect myself that way. Yet now, whenever I dare, I can feel the warm flesh of the embodied dream connected deeply to me, the dream and flesh as me. My body occupies a space only my mind once lived. I would feel most devastated when I allowed my mind to exist there too long, to be slapped awake by seeing how my body had remained, or if someone else remarked on my body and broke the spell.
When I am alone with myself, I am still in compete awe. It may sound silly, but I feel love for my body and affection for myself, for all I have endured. It’s entirely new.
Well, this morning I was reaching down in that affection for all these dreams come true. I was touching the cock flesh in a sensual but not sexual way. I imagine those tender touches I explore with building erotic feeling are of a different kind than that affection cisgender men give in approaching their dicks. I know they love their penises, but this is different. I’m still learning the space I occupy, the way a feeling feels over here where nerves and pulses didn’t used to live. I crave to explore.
I’ve felt now and then grateful that my spouse has been coincidentally early to bed and giving me time to myself for these honeymoons, but this particular morning she turned to me and put her hand around the shaft, too. We both explored, together, and I felt heat all the way up the side. The first time! On the right.
I could have jumped up and down. I just remained there however in complete bliss. I was waiting for heat. I found one of my devices and the charger, which was warm, and pressing it along the side there… It is ineffable, beyond words. Just, to feel. To feel! The warmth could have been over the whole of me.
It isn’t on the left yet, since the nerves begin to grow from the hookup and can take years to grow all the ways they need to go, but I felt some vague feeling almost like warmth on the head. That must be next.
Well, my love and I went on exploring there early in the morning. Their hand is beside mine in the photo there, us both touching together… It’s a special Valentine’s Day week coming up, for us.