I am happy. Post-op morning, phalloplasty

I warn you, I’m feeling sentimental and overwhelmed with happiness.

This is the ever-after, the one I wondered for so many years, “Would this make me happy?” The simple answer is yes, it fills me with unspeakable joy to see my body complete. I discover all I have missed and barely dared to dream before I phalloplasty. I wake up early Sunday morning, make love with my spouse, then in the quiet after, just marvel at the way my once only invisible penis holds up the sex-scented sheets.

I hold my love. I think about all the transgender prosthetics I’ve had along the way, how each one took such courage from me to admit I needed, until I could claim my need for flesh, sensation, heat, pleasure inside and against. We listen to folk music.

My arm’s gift, my leg coming to aid, now my penis which feels erotic sensation like neither– my penis flesh perceives touch like a penis, erotic touch, light touch of sheets

My life-mate goes off to the kitchen to make coffee, leaving me under these sheets in bliss. I don’t think a cisgender person could imagine the heights and depths and layers of pleasure transgender people can feel in gender euphoria.

I decide it is time to let my penis go soft, so I press the hidden button to release the saline engorgement back to my belly. It has gotten easy for me to locate the button now with practice. I don’t really think about it, now. I just know where it is, like you know where any part of your body is. It feels more like me than anything foreign within. Its perceptibly grows to be more like the cartilage and bone within me, still me. The apparatus inside that makes me hard is now just me, in all the material layers that build us.

Location of the Coloplast Titan deactivation button under my skin. It’s only hard enough to press to ensure it isn’t pressed accidentally. I find it so easily now.

I lose myself sometimes marveling about all that has happened to me. I was in such constant emotional pain before, debilitating, draining, in the shame and loathing of my lack. I close my eyes and breathe now, feeling almost as if I could sink into the roots of the earth and meet all my trans ancestors and share all this joy with them. The peace is in every part of me. I begin to cry.

I hear my love moving dishes. I better come along. I can answer, though, with all my heart, I am so glad I did this. I have not transitioned ftm. I have become more and more myself.

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