My first postop dick-only orgasm

For the purposes of this entry, the phalloplasty penis is described as my penis. The natal erectile tissue, I will call a tdick and occasionally a clitoris. Content warning if you are not comfortable with those words. The following contains a diary entry of an adult sexual experience with my new penis, as a transsexual nonbinary person 18 months postop phalloplasty with no vaginectomy. This blog is only suitable for persons ages 18+.

I am referring to being able to have an orgasm by stimulating my penis, which was built by trans RFF phalloplasty 1.5 years ago.

I had never tried in a dedicated way, but at some point in the evening by myself, I just sat back by myself and thought, let’s focus on the unfamiliar. It’s easy to get myself off the ways I know how.

My orgasmic history after testosterone
Once I started testosterone five years ago, the amount of time it took me to get off went from 20 or 30 minutes down to 3-5 minutes. Orgasms became reliable and easy on testosterone, partially from the growth to my tdick and partially from the testosterone itself, who knows. Is anybody even studying this? My time to get of dropped down to the male average and became not just reliable but easy to have an orgasm by rubbing my tdick. I remember pre-T when it was normal for my clitoris to be too sensitive to touch, or too small for partners to find, or just not all that pleasurable. Before T, I remember having an orgasm was sometimes mysterious and random in its occurrence, so I didn’t spend much time masturbating. T and the growth of that then-new tdick changed all that.

(If you are using translation software, tdick is trans slang for the smallish penis that develops from testosterone alone; it is similar to a clitoris in that it was once called that, but in trans lives, it is contextualized as a penis in its own right after growth. Tdick stands for testosterone dick. The word clitoris doesn’t bother me, but after T the organ genuinely changes so much in behavior, appearance, and response after T that it feels completely transformed to many. That’s why I contextualized what I mean when I say it was a penis, is a penis, is a glans, in its own right.)

Fears about climax and orgasm around phalloplasty
Is it odd to say it has been a little frightening not to know if I could have a climax just from my penis? Since it had not happened after a year, I told myself not to worry about it. If it would happen it would, and my worrying would not change that. Right? I felt maybe it was a watched pot of water that would seem never to boil. Still, I felt like it wasn’t wrong to be anxious about this, or to pine for it. Maybe it is not so odd to want to know, considering I am well into adulthood. I gave myself permission to need to know: Most adult men would want to know if they could cum from their penis! (100%?) But would it be too disappointing to find out I couldn’t? So I avoided masturbating with just my penis.

Getting comfortable incorporating my penis into sex
It has been like being teenagers again with my spouse– we are both in our 30s and together for some time– because we have to learn habits for sexual interaction all over again. We don’t know what feels best yet. We don’t have those established rhythms. There are so many things we have simply never done together, never seen together, that it has been so much more exploration than heat, more tenderness and enjoying sensation than passion. For everything a season– and it felt right in our relationship to use my penis to bond with her before anything else. Heck, some of the time it was just getting used to it being there while we were doing other things. Like, ‘Oh, wait, if I lay this way I can get a hand job while I’m going down on you. Wanna try that?” The sensations alone would have been enough to move me to emotional ecstasy, but that it could be with my sister in gender transition, that is, a transgender woman who knows so many of these unspeakable pains and joys… To know it could be my wife, in the safest of all places, our soft bed in the orchid light of our bedroom… That has been our last year.

Self-love life after bottom surgery, the first year
Before the nerves regrew, at first it felt uncanny, like being on the other side of someone else’s penis. My mind had anticipated a penis being there for so long, and it felt more than right. It’s just, it was real, it was flesh, if i pulled on it it tugged my other flesh; it was warm, it had a pulse, it blanched if i pinched it. Then as time went on it hurt if I pinched it, and it tingled like there were sparks at the bottom– those nerves coming online. The sensation creeped up from the base. I remember the first time I grazed the shaft and felt it. I remember the first time I felt the sensation of cold, against the sink and against the tub. I remember the first sensation of warmth, in the bath, the first time it got pinched and I had to readjust in my pants. The sensations would stand out to me, and I would want to laugh and shout for the newness of it.

But sex by myself…

Post-op sexual meditation
I don’t know if anyone else has felt this way, but it requires a certain confidence to jack off. I mean, all your experience with this little sportsfan is watching it on the mend, and somewhere in there you go from a this meaty heal-athon to a raging erection. It requires self love in the fullest sense to learn to find yourself sexy in this new way. I mean, all of transition has been like that for me. Not just to stimulate the orgasm, to make it happen– but to be fully present with what your body looks and feels like. You have to let go of years of tuning all that out to get off, like you did pre-op. You have to let go of disassociating with physical events during sex and be mentally present with your body, with intention. It has been a lot of time alone in the bath or up later than my partner just looking, seeing what different things feel like and look like, while also feeling sexy in familiar ways.

Knees up spread-eagle postop phalloplasty with no vaginectomy; receptive penetration “bottoming” position

Is nerve hookup alone enough to have an orgasm?
Over time, those erogenous feelings started to develop in my penis, with healing. Getting back to that curiosity– Can I cum from touching just my penis? — I seduced myself. I was on my own that evening, so I did my thang, all the stuff that really gets me going. I took my time and had fun with it, indulging. It wasn’t fast, but eventually I could feel the point of no return building, that rising triangle of euphoria in the throat and belly. I was mindful enough to feel the heat and sensation dramatically. I fixated on what was going on around me.

Yes, yes I did have an orgasm from stroking my penis. Yes, nerve hookup alone is enough. Well, it was enough for me. You don’t call the doctor about these things, but hey Dr. Coon! It worked. DEVIN. IT WORKED! (Imagine a bolt of lightning and crash of thunder over an old mansion, illuminating the cliff, haha.)

I did not have burial of my natal erectile tissue into my penis (tdick transposition) like most people do, because it was one less thing to put my body through. I learned that after having phalloplasty, I no longer felt dysphoria about the tdick being there. We made peace. Well, my little guy down there has been giving me orgasms all throughout the recovery process, and it has took the pressure off learning if I can climax with only my penis. It’s like… You don’t have to go 18 months without an orgasm. But that’s how a lot of people are able to cum after burial, from the internal rubbing on the tdick within the penis. Even if nerve hookup is not successful, most everybody can get off from their penis just from the tissues inside.

But for real, until it happened and I felt such relief… I didn’t know that I had been afraid of never climaxing with my penis. We can hide our fears from ourselves so well, used to pushing things down. And there I was, breathless from climax or breathless from awe? Euphoric from the rush of breath and blood through me– or breathless from relief? Those moments when you know you could never want more than this, that you have been given more more than you ever deserved, there I was. Gratitude, then humor at the paradox that this could be something as mundane and awkward as jacking off, but that it could mean so much to me?

In that moment, I had to chuckle. #1, I’m wanking. You know, synonymous with wasting time like a loser who can’t get a date or something. (Not that I believe that about masturbation.) #2, I’m personally having this heaven opening moment of self-actualization. From touching my penis.

Sometimes you gotta just laugh at life and all its happy endings.

There isn’t a moment I regret doing this for myself.

3 thoughts on “My first postop dick-only orgasm”

  1. I like your info dude, I was gonna ask to have my comments deleted, but I like your content, one of the most authentic trans guys, whose physically completed themselves

    1. Its equally good how you treat sex as a natural-and-normal part of your lives, you don’t shy away from love-and-lust, wanted to add that

      Sorry in my other posts I thought you weren’t married, great that you married her

  2. I really can’t thank you enough for all of your thorough documentation and blog posts!
    being able to read this has really made me think “maybe i -can- do this”.

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