My gender euphoria, just pulling my pants down: There’s Calypso music in the other room, it’s warm, and it feels like the best summer of my life. Yes, those are my favorite jelly shoes. When I dance, it swings and sways!
I grin devilishly to think, lord, this penis looks bigger on me because of being short. I like that, even though I never envisioned myself as a big-penis-having kind of guy. I feel fancy though! The sensation of the heavy swing and the look of a bulge in the yellow mesh underwear is so gratifying.
I’ll be like… At a bar where the toilets don’t have doors, and I used to feel so much stress about that. Nope, not anymore. Just take a seat and let the world see if they must. Jesus take the wheel, I feel no shame about my body.
What about changing in a locker room? I used to live in fear someone might accidentally see my lack of a front and center penis. Maybe they’d hurt me or worse. Now? I’ll strip on the sidewalk if there’s no choice. I’m proud.
No shower stalls? I’d shower in the rain on the city square. I’d call a marching band to join me in the celebration.
All that gymnastic mental effort during sex to find pleasure while I was not seeing my what I felt like I should? I don’t have to turn off the lights, avert my eyes, or come up with a workaround. I can feel with my body, not through a prosthetic. I can feel pleasure through my skin, where I used to feel pain from seeing and feeling nothing.
It took a second to get used to the word penis after I avoided it for so long. But I love to say it now, just knowing it doesn’t hit me like a punch in the gut like it used to.
I used to watch POV porn now and then with a bittersweet sadness, imagining what it could be like to experience those things– or else avoid it entirely. I’ve opened it up a few times now, but it doesn’t have the same psychological weight one way or another now.
The idea of swimming anywhere, in anything? I must have tried on 50 swimsuits, ecstatic. I love to buy underwear and try out how it will look on me. I love to buy fancy underwear. Just everything about it that I used to loathe.
No fear of losing a packer, or fuss trying to keep it well harnessed, or worry about not packing and someone clocking me like that– I don’t know if that ever even happened, but I was always scared it would happen.
Just pulling on underwear and sweats or leggings– it’s such a relief not to feel the sweat on the backside of the packer. Talk about something dysphoria inducing, I had loathed the extra sweat from packing. I got chills from feeling a foreign object in the front of me. Phalloplasty doesn’t feel like that, in that it doesn’t feel foreign at all. All those sensory shivers I would get, like nails on a chalkboard, I don’t get any of that.
I have this sense of pride about my body, like, “let me show you the medical miracle they worked on me. let me show you how I heal. let me smile and show you how complete I feel.” All that was on my heart when I asked my cis gay friend if I could show him how it turned out, and he was so thrilled for me. We were just, like, a human celebration together.
I wake up and feel the heat and weight of my penis near my thigh or sideways over my hip. I roll onto my belly and readjust my penis, so it is comfortable and not too squished or bent funny.
I don’t live in fear of violence in the same way I used to. I know, someone could still hurt me. But they wouldn’t hurt me from just seeing the front of my body.
I can walk in a sauna or spa where you must be nude, like where it’s part of the design of the space, and you have to. I feel like there is no longer a list of places I can’t participate in like ordinary people who have a penis.
Once, a friend asked me if it felt, for lack of a better word, attached onto me. No, especially with the erectile implant mechanisms going deep into my pelvis like the internal parts of the penis, my penis feels to my hand like it extends inside of me, just like it should. It has many textures inside, and I know how my penis connects to deeper nerves and veins. I think about it, how my penis is connected to my brain through those nerves which always belonged to me, connected to every part of me. When I think about it, I feel so happy and whole.
I can’t help but celebrate.
I want everyone who needs these things to have them.